Jesus Christ, that boy is a nightmare…
He talks about climbing and routes all the time. The ones he has climbed, the ones he would like to climb because his mates have, and most of all the ones he would like to climb because his mates haven’t.
He thinks he is the only climber and you just go along to the crag to wear those sexy outfits. Stupid. Then he gazes at other girl-climbers´ butts and says: “Hmmm, I wonder how she would solve that boulder problem.” He is unable to plan more than two days ahead because everything stands and falls with the weather. You ask him to do something at eight in the morning and by nine he has no clue what you wanted, however, the moves and steps he made in a route that he managed to climb two years ago, those he will remember forever.
Check this: He asked you yesterday if everything was allright. You said “fine” and he never got that something troubled you. He always wants to go climb bold sandstone rocks with his boys, but you would like to have a nice climbing weekend in Frankenjura (Germany) where you feel so confident. And when you eventually go together he doesn’t wash or shave himself for a week, he doesn’t even change his t-shirt, socks or undies. His favourite trick with those is that he turns them inside out and feels convinced that he is getting more red-blooded every day and that things will go smooth in the night cause, after all, you love him. In short, sometimes you must feel that he loves rocks more than you.
“I was just wondering how she would solve that boulder problem.”
She said to you at the crag the other day: “I am tired but I will be happy to belay.” And then for several months after she kept reminding you that you should have realised how tired she was and how badly she had wanted to go home. She is always nervous a week before her period, then when she gets it, you gotta forgive anything she does. This is followed by another six days PMS. So, if you are on a climbing trip with friends on the last day of it, you won´t have very much fun at home, will you?
She keeps planning trips and counting calories from various charts. And she completely forgot to remind you of your mother´s birthday. Then you cancel a visit at some of her relatives (which she agreed on without checking the weather forecast) because it should be sunny and dry.
You could have been climbing the second route by now but she is still standing in front of her wardrobe and trying to decide which of her twenty identical T-shirts would match best with her climbing shoes. And then in the night she looks at you with sad eyes to point out how urgently she needs another T-shirt because she has absolutely nothing to climb in.
Or she spends forty-five minutes in the bathroom and when she finally gets out she looks exactly the same as before. A roll of toilet paper that you couldn’t use up in a month she spends in one single afternoon. She wants to go to Frankenjura every weekend but you would much rather go to some sandstone crags with friends. And when you finally go together just her cosmetics bag is as large as your gear AND clothes all in one pack (you know, one pair of underpants and one T-shirt for a week). Of course, soon as it gets a bit cooler and the condition is just right she starts feeling cold…
Damn, wouldn´t it be better to stay single then? It has so many obvious advantages. You don’t have to adapt yourself to anybody and you only follow your own line. It’s all your plan. No diversions, no concessions, no compromises. No ball and chain on your foot. No required visits with the mother-in-law.
“You know the difference between Al-Qaeda and my mother-in-law? You can negotiate with Al-Qaeda.”
And you can easily think of another one hundred clear-cut reasons why it is better and more comfortable to be single. She can go climbing together with other girl-climbers without that annoying feeling of being a tolerated burden, a human belay device, or just some eye candy for his mates to stare at in the pub. She is independent, self-reliant, satisfied. She can manage herself on her own. He can go to the crag with the guys. No fluctuations from female hormones in the team, no emotional enforcement or hysterical fits without logical arguments.
He gets up in the morning and goes climbing. Nobody is holding back, nobody is making sour faces about last night in the pub with “long time no see” friends. Nobody comments on his driving, cooking, living. As far as biology is concerned, to pick up a chick at the bar should be no big deal if he has charm. You wink once or twice, make some allusions to her intelligence or character, you mention that the college she is studying must be extremely difficult, you rattle your wallet and find a kitten in your bed right away.
“Nobody is holding back, nobody is whining, and nobody is making unwanted comments.”
But it is not as easy as it looks. When you are at a party, will you put your freezing hands into your friend’s armpits because you are feeling terribly cold. Is that girl ready to lend you her warm sleeping bag and tremble with cold for the rest of the night just for you to sleep like a baby? Will she catch you in her arms when a hold breaks loose in four metres and you are falling down towards the deadly blocks on the ground?
She won´t give you a hug when you are feeling low or you are afraid of storm. She won´t escort you on the way to camp when you got sloshed after one to many beer in the pub and you are totally paralyzed.
And you, bro, will your mate make you a herbal tea with camomille and honey or a strong coffee with homemade cake when you feel like having a rest day and not getting out of bed? Will you weave your legs into your mates´ when you want to cuddle up with him after three Pilsners in the pub?
Plus, there are some other things which even the best mate can´t provide you with in the right way. Sure, I have heard a story when two friends from childhood set off for a six-length route in Wilder Kaiser and one of them was holding back on purpose so that they didn’t finish the route and had to bivy on the face. So they cuddled. But this is not exactly what I mean. It’s best to have the feeling of loving someone and being loved – that is priceless. And the chick from the bar? OK, the night was amusing and jaunty but the next morning? What are you to do with her? The rocks are dry and you would love to kick that chick out before breakfast. But she would rather sleep and sleep or even go for a walk to town in the afternoon. With you, man!
Hearing the expression “triathlon” she pictures “pedicure-manicure-hairdresser” and she will never understand the people who go to Spain for two weeks and don´t swim in the sea once. She would die of fear during the first night in the wild. No, really, there is no point in this. Is climbing your drug? Diagnosis? Obsession? Then you must stay positive about the idea that having this type of girl next to you would be a completely different ride. To catch a real beast, a raw-weather girl. Someone who you don´t have to explain that a man is wild and part of nature and therefore there is no point in sleeping in a hotel. And that after two days of climbing without a shower or even an ounce of perfume that girl´s body can still be clean.
An overheard conversation at the boulder wall
A boy: “Watch out girls, I am taking off my boots.”
The first stunner: “Yeah, all right. There are much worse things. Such as too much perfume.”
The other stunner: “No question, guess what, I have a colleague now who is giving me a hard time. She sprays herself with so much of that piss…”
Girls think that all boys who climb and are worth something must be engaged or married.
And plenty of guys who climb and are worth something think the same about girls.
Are you waiting for a sign of mutual attraction not to be embarrassed or embarrassing?
She is probably too.
When she glances your direction, strokes her wine glass while watching you…
When she lets her hair down in a group of boys, throws back her head, narrows her eyes and makes another ponny tail or when she speaks to you flatteringly about your beautiful climbing even though you´d kept hesitating and falling on that warm up route…
When a guy looks you straight in the eye, smiles at you and asks you to go climbing together again…
When he is leaving but he turns back at you in the door just before he disappears…
When a “friend” kisses you good bye on your cheek and takes a deep breath into his nose…
Isn´t that enough?
They say every person has an ideal partner, a partner of their dreams, somewhere in the world, and they say we meet that person at least once in our lives. The only problem is to guess who it is in the moment. It is somewhat likely that if you start dating a climbing beauty, some of your close friends have been going out with her too, but that´s nothing to worry about, right?
And if you are extremely lucky her parents will be climbers too and they will lend you their gear and car when you are about to go for that summer road trip.
“It is necessary to be a bit similar to understand each other but a bit different to love each other.” Jean Jacques Rousseau
However, there will always be a certain difference in the points of view.
“The top of the tower,
the twilight of dusk.
Kissing and fondling ends in the act.
Studying the book, non-fiction, all fact.
Dressed in the veil
of burning desire …”
“It took her ages, so when we finally reached the top it was pitch black.
But I still managed to bang her next to the summit registry.”
It is so strange. There are so many times when you go with confidence for a route considered to be really dangerous, yet you shake with fear when you are supposed to talk to the girl of your dreams.
So move your ass and get away from the PC. It is time you revealed your feelings to the stunner from the wall that you have been peeking at for years.
“There is only one worse thing than having a girl-friend who climbs…”
Loves the pulse of metropolis. Amazed by technical progress… Watches the latest fashion. Never misses any cultural event or social intercourse. Reads newspaper daily, follows financial market. (smiling)
“Climbing is not about the grades and life is not about the money” He loves to write about crazy people.
Addicted to situations when he does not care about the time – in the mountains or sandstone crags.